Hey, you know what paradise is?

It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning
The same one you're going to make love with tonight
That's truth, that's love......

天堂是什么？你有没有问过自己？

在大学里，有个卧谈会的话题就是“这辈子最希望实现的愿望”，睡在我对面的长得不怎么样的女孩说：“我一定要找到一个最最帅的男孩作我的老公，然后就相夫教子过完余生。”话音的尾音有《最浪漫的事》的旋律。丑女多作怪，这个女孩大学四年都没有恋爱，说外语系的男生永远令人失望，她考上了本校的研究生，今年就要毕业，还是孑然一人，个性和外表一样顽固不化，她说：“丫丫你长得都一样不怎么样，为什么就愿意和一个普通的男孩恋爱？为什么不想想咸鱼翻身找个与众不同的人呢？”我笑她：“你要我像你一样寂寞，我可不愿意。”其实我喜欢的男孩即使很普通和平凡，在我的心里，他是我的Hero，永远都是，别人不懂还好，不然还要和我抢。这个丑女的愿望可以要过很久才能实现了，在她改变她的期望之前，希望她真的可以找到一个她心目中完美的男子。

我的下铺的愿望，好像很简单，就是让自己变得漂亮一点。她的家乡，就在龙胜，那个有着层层叠叠梯田的地方，她曾经给我们讲述龙胜壮乡很多神秘的风俗，在很多个夜晚给我们比《一千零一夜》更丰富的想象然后在梦境中编织成更为光炫的故事。毕业以后只有在校友录上看到一些她的消息，有次在QQ上遇到，还没有聊就各自下线了。记得她的名字叫丽清，总是很骄傲又自卑地说话，她是班上很早就摆脱了[n][l]不分的桂林人，那之前我们都铭记她比我们谁都早起，到宿舍外面一遍遍练习这两个枯燥的音节，并可能随时拦下一个熟人就让她听有没有读错，她的起点比我们宿舍其他7个女孩都低，但是她总是走在我们的前面，让我们看她的背影。

我们宿舍有个让我难忘的女孩，清戈，从小就是天之骄女，音乐舞蹈绘画书法的全才，在我们在一起的四年里，暗恋，追求，自杀，醉酒，逃学，失踪，补考…一次次回到宿舍号啕大哭，我们都习惯了轻轻拍她的肩头安慰她，什么话都不必说，冰雪聪明的她，何尝不懂？她那时候的回答，就是永远和那个她为之神魂颠倒的男生在一起。现在实现了没有，我仍然不知道。只是记得她手臂上，被裁纸刀切出来的伤疤，很让人心痛。我记得那个男生其实恨透了她的追求，甚至鄙视她唾弃她，就因为她闹自杀才“假装”和她好。他们夜宿不归，宿舍里都很沉默，谁都避开讨论她。我们那一届应该是我们学校禁止外宿的最后一届，接下来的学生都明目张胆地外宿，干脆就几个情侣合租房子住在校外。记得风传有个女生做了RL，很多人都震惊，而现在看上去已经不再被视为“骇人听闻”了。

今天下午，我一遍遍听一首歌，I’ve never been to me里面有一段独白，说paradise其实就是世间成为自己希望的样子，就是天堂。

嘿，你知道什么是“天堂”吗？

那是一个弥天大谎

那是我们制造的世界，里面的人和地方都是我们希望成为的样子

但是事实是什么呢？

是你怀里紧拥的孩子

是那个你早上与之争执今晚就又想缠绵的男人

这才是真的

这就是爱

我的天堂是什么？我说我要找到我的“总统套房”，她们都笑死了，不就是花销一笔钱就能实现的吗？我说这是不一样的，其实我的“总统套房”不正是另一个Paradise吗？不管它被冠以什么样的名字，它还是它令人炫目和充满幻想的那个天堂。我可以在我的天堂里幸福地徜徉，晒着阳光和月光，吃着冰淇淋，荡着秋千，还有个爱我的男孩一起去钓鱼…

呵

丫丫  2004年6月16日 外面下着雨的北京下午

I've Never Been To Me

( Charlene )

Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....

Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

[spoken]
Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning
The same one you're going to make love with tonight
That's truth, that's love......

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete
But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free
Hey lady......
I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise)
But I've never been to me

(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to Neice and the isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to cryin' for unborn children that might have made me complete)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I've been to paradise, never been to me

I've Never Been To Me
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