http://www.helenfisher.com/

Publication Date: February 4, 2004

WHY WE LOVE

The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love

By Helen Fisher, Ph.D.

“If you want flashes and particular experiences of romantic love, read novels. If you want to understand this central quality of human nature to its roots, read Why We Love ."

-- E.O. Wilson, University Research Professor Emeritus at Harvard University

“ Why We Love is an amazing and wonderful book, a model for all work on important human questions. Using original neurophysiological research, surveying the literatures of the world, investigating tribal communities, compiling psychological data and many other resources and writing in accessible language, Dr. Fisher provides a definitive answer to the question of questions. I could not put it down. Anyone who has ever been curious about love should read this book. It will become a basic reference and a classic."

  --Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want

“'Fools give you reasons.  Wise men never try.'  If that's your take on love, then you MUST read Why We Love.   In it, Helen Fisher gives lots of reasons, and she's no fool.  The wealth of luscious quotations is itself worth the purchase price, but in addition, this book is the most comprehensive and comprehensible account I have ever read of the brain chemistry of attachment.  Read it and learn some of the most important lessons anyone can achieve: how and why we - and other living things - love.”

--David P. Barash, professor of psychology, University of Washington, and author of The Survival Game and The Myth of Monogamy

“A fascinating tour of the science and art of love. Helen Fisher takes the reader on an unforgettable journey through the human passions and how they lead to the most euphoric highs and the most anguished lows. From sage poets to brain scans, Why We Love provides the most gripping and scientifically sound book yet written about this most bafflingly complex human experience."

-- David M. Buss, author of  The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating . 

“Helen Fisher's book will entice you, charm away your resistance to its thesis, seduce you into accepting it. It is poetic, sexy, beguiling and, all at the same time, scientific.”

--Richard Dawkins

There's no greater thrill in the scientific community than when a scientist finally proves what before had only been suspected. Renowned anthropologist and celebrated writer, Helen Fisher, Ph.D., has done just that with her research on romantic love, and confirmed what until now has only been hypothesis: when a person falls in love, specific areas of the brain actually “light up” with increased blood flow.   In WHY WE LOVE: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love (Henry Holt and Company; February 4, 2004; $25.00) Fisher uses the results of the exciting study she conducted with colleagues to argue that romantic passion is, in fact, hardwired into our brains.   Most important, Fisher reveals that love is not an emotion but a physiological drive as powerful as hunger.

WHY WE LOVE illuminates every aspect of the experience of falling in love –what happens when we fall in love, why we fall in love in the first place, why we choose who we do, and how romantic love biologically affects the sex drive and feelings of attachment to a partner.   Fisher explores romantic attraction in the animal world, tracing the roots of “love at first sight” to nature, and the evolution of romance to survival millennia ago.   She sheds new light on stalking behavior and crimes of passion, and examines differences in the male and female brain and explores the future of love in our chaotic world.   Last, Fisher offers suggestions on how to control romantic passion and sustain romance in long-term partnerships.

A provocative, fascinating, and groundbreaking exploration of our most fundamental urge, WHY WE LOVE provides an eye-opening and mind-expanding map of romantic love.  

About the Author:

Helen Fisher, Ph.D., is one of this country's most prominent anthropologists.   Prior to becoming a Research Professor at Rutgers University, she was a Research Associate at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City.   Dr. Fisher has conducted extensive research on the evolution, expression, and science of love, and her two most recent books, The First Sex and Anatomy of Love , were New York Times Notable Books.  

A Conversation with Dr. Helen Fisher,

Anthropologist and author of WHY WE LOVE

What first drew you to the subject of romantic love?

I think romantic love is one of the most powerfully motivating forces on earth.   But also because I have come to think that romantic love is one of three basic brain circuits that humanity evolved for mating and reproduction:   the sex drive -- the craving for sexual gratification, evolved to get you out there looking for anyone; Romantic love -- the elation and obsessive thinking that happens when you first fall in love evolved to enable you to focus your mating energy on just one individual, thereby conserving courtship time and energy;   and attachment --   that feeling of calm and security you can feel with a long term partner, evolved to enable you to tolerate this individual at least long enough to rear a child together.   Because romantic love, I think, is the most powerful, the most beguiling, and the most memorable, I wanted to know its chemical basis and what this euphoria was all about.

Can you briefly describe how you conducted your study to find out the chemistry of romantic love?

Well, I wanted to put people who were madly in love into a brain scanner to see if I could find out which parts of the brain become active when someone feels romantic passion.   My plan was to have them lie in the machine and look at two photographs, a photo of their beloved and a photo of a familiar but neutral individual who caused no strong emotion in them of any kind.   Then I would compare what happened in the brain under both conditions.  

But of course it is hard to STOP thinking about a sweetheart.   And I needed to cleanse the brain of all romantic feelings before each subject looked at the neutral photo.   So between looking at these two photos, I decided to have our subjects mentally count backwards from a large number, like 8421, in increments of seven.   This really cleans the brain of all emotion!   Then we compared what happened in the brain under all these conditions.  

In the end, my colleagues and I scanned 144 pictures of each of the 10 women and 7 men who were newly, wildly in love -- and found some of the brain regions that become active when you feel intense romantic passion.

What did this brain activity tell you about romantic love?

What we learned was truly thrilling and revealing.    I had thought romantic love was a whole constellation of emotions.   But we were able to determine that it is actually a drive, a basic mating drive.  

We found activity in two very primitive brain regions, the ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus.   Both are part of the brain's “reward system” and are associated with focused attention and the motivation to win a reward.   In fact, we discovered that dopamine, a powerful stimulant in the brain, is most likely central to the feeling of romantic love.   And I suspect that we will someday discover that high levels of norepinephrine and low levels of serotonin are also involved.  

So I came to think that romantic love is a drive, an instinct as powerful as hunger.    Then we tack on various emotions, depending on how we feel.   When things are going well, we feel elation, hope and other joyous feelings; when things go poorly, we feel horrible sorrow instead.   But we always feel that intense craving, the urge, the instinct, the drive to win our beloved.

Interestingly, we also found activity in a brain region associated with the eating of chocolate, which made me begin to think that romantic love was an addiction.

What happens to a person when they fall in love?

The first thing that happens is that your beloved begins to take on what I call “special meaning.”   As a truck driver once said, “The world had a new center and that center was Maryanne.”   Then you begin to focus all your attention on this special person.   You can remember tiny things he or she said or did--and you dote on the things that you adore.    You feel tremendous elation, euphoria, ecstasy when things are going well and terrible despair when things go wrong.   Real mood swings. You have a huge amount of energy, too, so much that is it often hard to sleep.   But most important: you can't stop thinking about this person.   You obsessively think about him or her.   And you yearn, indeed crave, to win emotional union with this sweetheart.   Sure, most people would like to go to bed with a beloved; and they can get very jealous if they think this person is with another.   But even more important than making love, they want this person to return their affection, to respond, to call, to write e-mails, to go out with them--and reciprocate their passion.

Did you find any brain differences between your male and female subjects?

Many of the same brain regions became active in both sexes.   In fact, men fall in love faster than women do.   But we did find some gender differences:   Men tended to show more activity in brain regions associated with the integration of visual stimuli, and with penile erection.    Women tended, instead, to show more activity in regions associated with emotion, attention and recalling memories.

Actually, these gender differences make pretty good evolutionary sense.    Ancestral men needed to see if a woman showed visual signs of youth and health, signs that she would bear him healthy babies.   And when a man saw a good reproductive partner, it would have been adaptive for him to become sexually aroused--to start the mating process.   But a woman can't “size up” a man just by looking at him.   A woman needs a good provider and protector.   So an ancestral woman needed to remember all the things a mating partner had done for her, what he had given her and what he had promised. No wonder women in love evolved the tendency to activate brain circuits for remembering.   In fact, women still remember many more of the details of a love affair than men do.

Why only scan the brains of people newly in love?   Does that mean that love changes over time?

Yes, love does change over time. We have all experienced this.   But this study tells us much more about how this happens.   Our subjects who were in longer relationships showed activity in some additional brain regions, areas associated with the processing of emotions. We don't know what this means yet.   But I think someday we will find that as true love progresses, brain circuits for thinking rationally about the relationship become more active, and brain areas that generate that tremendous passion begin to relax so that the craving slowly subsides, replaced by deeper, calmer, less urgent feelings.   

So you would probably say that romantic love evolved in human beings, right?   How did that happen?   Why do we love?

I think that the precursor of romantic love, animal attraction, evolved long before human beings—to enable all mammals to focus their mating energy on specific partners, thereby conserving courtship time and energy.   In fact, many became attracted immediately – the forerunner of love-at-first sight. But I think this brain system became much more elaborate after our first forbearers descended from the tress of Africa some 4 million years ago. With the evolution of pair bonding and male/female attachment, both men and women began to develop a more complex system for choosing a mate: romantic love.   Then, the courtship process became even more intense (probably about 2 million years ago) and the brain circuitry for romantic love took its modern form.  

Why do we love?   I think romantic love evolved for many Darwinian purposes.   Children who fall in love are practicing for life's greatest challenge, choosing an appropriate mating partner.   Those of reproductive age fall in love to start a breeding partnership.   People who divorce and fall in love again are beginning yet another potentially reproductive relationship.   And older folks who fall in love have found a kindred spirit with whom to share the problems (and joys) of aging.    In fact, we were probably designed to fall in love with more than one person during our lives, largely so that we would bear children with several partners and thereby increase genetic variety in our lineage.    

Why do we choose one person rather than another?

Why him? Why her?   There are many, many forces that play a role in who we fall in love with.   Timing is important; you tend to fall in love when you are ready, particularly when you are lonely.   Proximity is often crucial; we fall for people who we interact with.   Both men and women are excited by individuals they regard as mysterious.   And most fall in love with someone of the same ethnic, social, religious, educational and economic background and with a similar amount of physical attractiveness, a comparable intelligence and parallel attitudes, expectations, values and interests.   We gravitate to people like ourselves.

But most important is your “love map.”   We grow up in a sea of experiences that sculpt our romantic choices.   Our mother's sense of humor; our father's interest in politics and music; how those around us view honor, justice, loyalty and politeness: thousands of subtle forces build our individual interests, values and beliefs.   So by the teenage years, each of us has constructed an unconscious catalogue of aptitudes and mannerisms we are looking for in a mate.   Then when we meet someone who fits within this “love map” and they begin to flirt, the interaction may trigger the brain chemistry of romance and we fall head over heels in love.

How does romantic love affect the sex drive and feelings of attachment to a partner?

I think these three basic mating drives -- lust, romantic love and attachment -- are very interconnected in the brain.   For example, dopamine, the chemical associated with romance, can drive up levels of testosterone, the hormone of sexual desire.   This is probably why you become so interested in “making love” to your beloved.   The sex drive does not always trigger romantic love, however.   Most liberated contemporary adults have had sex with someone they were not in love with. But you can begin to copulate with “just a friend” and then fall madly in love with him or her-—probably because elevated levels of testosterone (associated with the sex drive) can elevate levels of dopamine and norepinephrine.  

Romantic love has a more complex relationship with feelings of attachment, that sense of calm and security one can feel for a long term partner.   Generally some of the chemistry of attachment can suppress the elation and passion of romantic love.   This is probably why it is hard to keep that intense passion alive as the relationship becomes more stable and long term.

How can one keep romantic love alive in a long term marriage?

Do novel things together. Novelty drives up levels of dopamine – the chemical associated with romantic love.   And if you and your partner are both interested in sex, make sure to keep this part of your relationship alive.

What happens in the brain when people are rejected in love?

We have begun to study this.   After we put 17 people into the brain scanner who were happily in love, we put 20 young men and women into the scanner who had recently been rejected by someone they adored.   It was tough to do.   I felt such anguish for each subject.   Anyway, we don't know yet what happens in the brain when someone has been “dumped” because we are still analyzing the data. Nevertheless, I suspect that we will find that some of the same dopamine pathways in the “reward system” in the brain are involved—-because people don't give up loving easily.   We may also find activity in brain areas associated with anger and depression.

You say that romantic love is a drive.   Does this mean that we have no control over our feelings?

I think you have to treat romantic love as an addiction.   When you need to expel someone from your mind, first you need to throw out all the cards and letters.   Don't call.   Don't write.   Avoid the places where you may run into him or her.   Keep busy. Do novel things with old friends or new people.   And exercise.   Exercise can chance brain chemistry in healing ways, as can sunlight.   Some people are helped by antidepressant drugs or “talking therapy” or both.

You reveal that unrequited love can lead to stalking, homicide, suicide, depression, and high divorce and adultery rates.   Does this mean that health care professionals could medicate to prevent any of these?   Should they?

This is a hard question. Yes, I think that health care professionals can medicate people to help prevent crimes of passion.   They already do.   And these medications probably help.   I think crimes of passion occur, at least in part, because dopamine activity in the brain has become pronounced, making the jilted lover obsessed, energized, focused, motivated, and often enraged.   And high levels of dopamine are probably driving down levels of serotonin, reducing impulse control as well—-thus setting up the abandoned person for violent behavior.   But let's not forget that people are all very different. And they grow up with different childhood experiences; they have different values and beliefs, and different ways of handling stress and rejection. So, luckily, a great many of us seem to be able to weather the agony of rejection without violence or long lasting depression.   But, yes, I think antidepressant drugs and talking therapy can help people in the throws of abandonment.

How about your own love life?   What are the advantages of knowing about love? Are there disadvantages?   Does dissecting the biology of romantic love take away some of the mystery and passion of being in love?

Well, I have loved and won and loved and lost. I certainly know the ecstasy and despair of romantic love.   But I think that learning about romantic love has given me some advantages.   I certainly feel more informed, and for reasons I can't explain, more secure. I can anticipate some of the behavior of others and I have some tools to deal with various situations.   And I know more about how to trigger love and how to make it last.   Disadvantages?   Well, perhaps I am more realistic, if you want to call that a disadvantage.   But one thing I am positive about – knowing about love will never kill the passion.

If romantic love is an urge that has evolved over time, what is the future of it?   Will it change?

The feeling will never change, it's too deeply embedded in the human brain.   But today more and more people marry for love.   In our hunting/gathering past, many wed for love; they were free to marry whom they chose.   But as our forebears settled down to farm some 10,000 years ago, more and more marriages became business ventures done to exchange property or make political alliances or social ties.   Romance could not be stifled.   The rich took concubines; the poor still wed for love; and many probably fell in love with the person that they married.   But with the growth of trade and cities and the Industrial Revolution, men and women fled farm life to live in towns. And as family obligations lessened, more began to wed for love.   The steady entrance of women into the paid workforce has intensified the desire to pick a partner for one 's self and today more and more men and women practice what the Chinese call “free love.”

This is your fourth book on the science of love.   What is next for you?

I am interested in human nature--what all people on earth share as human beings.   We are such complex and intriguing creatures.   I don't think I will ever run out of questions about who we are and why we do the things we do.

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