刚回来.
Today is my crit. F, CKL and Colin are in my crit group, same as last semester... when I heard their names, I was really startled a bit. They are critical, anyway, all tutors are critical, in different ways... I can stand any intellectual criticism to my work, but I get very upset when I receive critism other than that, like the sarcarstic words regarding other irrelevant things. That is why I cried last semester when CKL made fun of my ''naive'' attitude towards his words...
I blushed when Colin said, how come students alway started their presentation with most redundent words. I did say, '' I am doing a cafe and hide in the botanical garden...'' I just did not know what to say at the begining and I was really nervous about the presentation, my weakest part...
It really hurt me, although I understood that they were tired after so many crits and being coustic is their inherent personality...
I got a lot of criticism regarding my design. They said that they understand my intention and what I have been doing to achieve it, but the three forms are interelated intellectually rather than intuitively. It is too literal and not by intuition, CKL said. He looked at me, and said that. He was my tutor last semester, and he has his understanding of my personality and design, I know he also refer to my personality and the way of approaching design...
Colin stared at my work and tried very hard to see the underlying concepts and consistency. He gave a lot of comments also. I tried very hard to understand his words too. Sometimes, tutor spoke in such a way that I with my poor English could not catch it. I roughly got what they mean, they look at the design from the formal relationship (which I have not grasped what is the principle and underlying assumption), and the relation between the form and site (as see from my site model). They were saying that with the curvy nature of the site, my second form is not consistent with the rest; and third one, they questioned my intention to create reduced elements.
CK pointed to my underlying ''design philosophy'', saying that I have my internal set of rules and regulation that I followed to create the forms out of my intention. My form is not really reflection of my idea, ''universally'', ''intuitively''----that is how I intepretaed his words.
Then what rules I should follow? Are there rules and principles hidden ?? Am I on the right way to discover that???
I know I have not discovered that. Something inside myself is telling me, therefore I am always not confident in what I am creating. I also know that how personality influences the design. The ultimate conflict in design becomes the battle in the personal beliefs and philosophy... Of course there is aesthetics, but now I am very confused and lost...
I don't really feel sad after the crit. As I always tried my best but I never had any high expectation in my design. I am not humble, I konw my ability and I am just not confident. If I get approved, it assures my capability; if not, I accept is as a fact. What makes me sad is that KL' criticism on my way of internalizing the form...... It is someting inherent in me, and how could I change it?? If it is against architectural design, I will be really upset......that means I don't have the talent, I am out, and I belong to the literal world but the formal and spatial one.... I am very sad to realize that...
Or should I believe myself by saying that there are various ways of approaching design, why must be KL's or Colin's ways? KL is very good in theory, the western modern architecture, and Colin I am not very sure. Definitely, I will have to learn. I am very confused now...
After the crit, my friends came and said, not to be worried it is over... I am not sad but unusually calm. In the intellectual world, I am not enclosed and shy, hehe.
Gr and K said, your crit was really long, took almost half an hour. I am happy that they are in interested in my design.
I had dinner with Gr in YIH. Gr is a nice and cheerful girl. I want to be as simple and happy as other girls, but...What is inside myself that I still cannot reslove?
Gr went to attend some activity and I walked alone back. I like to walk in the darkness, to please my lonely soul. The more people are arround, the more I smile and stronger I appear as. However, when I walked on the quiet road with my lonely shadow dragging on the leavy grass patch, my sorrowness started bursting out of my eyes. I wrote in my mind, in my eye, with all the most honest words... and I could no longer resist and restrain my emotions...
It is not about my design, neither any criticism from the tutors. Maybe there is some, but I have learned to accept them, along with many many other things in my life. Since young, I was trained to have strong mentality. I preserved, worked hard, reserved all my ''unnecessary'' emotions and desires... Or maybe it is just part of my personality but not conditioned... Am I trying too hard to reach the expectations? These years have I solved my crisis? Nope... I don't think so... I confess in my diary, as if to God.... now I am very lost...
I am shy therefore when I don't have the courage to speak to someone I write it down. The world created by words is a illusory indulgence that I am fascinated with.
In order to attain the internal peace I do a lot of things against my desire, after that I feel very very lost, but I don't want to regret, therefore no choice. In my heart I know that I want all the things a ''common'' girl likes to have; I refuse it because it does not belong to me. I know, I know everything, but...
1288
 wawa 在 3/29/2004 11:39:07 PM 说:
blueberry, 哈哈哈...待会儿见!
blueberry 在 3/29/2004 11:04:58 PM 说:
娃娃是好样的, take it easy.=) 享受生活,不要禁欲. =P
Please leave your comment here
| 
Blogwind 
