There it goes, lights off. Black out. It takes me a second to realize it because my iBook is still beaming in front of me. Then the whole building starts to come alive, all of a sudden, people pouring out from rooms and a few girls' screams are heard here and there. I open the door and everyone is in the corridor. So it is a very good bonding session, when the electricity is off and we, denied of access to internet and textbooks, are out to greet the community.

And after enjoying cooling winds and scratching the neighbor's cat - which has grown considerably in a short time- I'm back to my room and to my solitude.

Yes to my solitude.

I'm sick, down with an infection. How it feels when you suddenly wake up in the dead of night by the urge to heed the call of the nature, so you take a swift move to the ladies. To your horror you witness blood all over the basin?! First reaction, is it my period? Oh no it is not. Double check again? Sure it is not? OMG it is not. So Jesus Christ for a twenty year old like me, is it too early for my kidneys to fail now???

All of a sudden those sympathetic stories of dying patients were no longer that far away. There I stood vaguely aware of my surroundings, I was horrified.

But luckily a visit to the doctor's the following day turns out it is just an infection.

But I'm reacting strongly to the antibiotics prescribed. Headache, fever, nausea, no apetite and an insatiable thirst.

With all my projects drawing close to deadlines and presentations to be done, I suddenly feel, sickness is no longer my own business. It directly and indirectly affects others. I can't attend my project meetings, I can't do my presentation, I can't go to work, and I don't even want to pull myself out of the bed to buy dinner.

The trouble with love is, you can't refuse the responsibility. Just as he had to accompany me to the clinic with his badly swollen ankle, I had to move my lazy butt to run errands for him now.

Have I become a realistic selfish apathetic person? What happened to the urban myth of happily every-after? What happened to the little girl walking in the scathingly cold strong wind but still felt so happy?

I'm confused. I don't know if I enjoy accompany or solitude better? I'm scared to let him go to sleep, and am left alone. Lying widely awake after two hours and then finally decide to retreat to sleeping pills (lucky they're available, and I have a history of sleeping disorder). I'm scared of the silence, the blackness of an empty room. But when he's awake, I hardly find anything sensible to say. I find it comforting to do something with him, not to do separate things in the same room. So bothered by the non-stop "Game Found" voice from mIRC, I then seek the solitude of my own single room.

I feel terrible about myself. And I feel so sorry for him. Why am I not appreciative of his effort?WHy am I such an unreasonable person?

Is it called growing up or still too immature?